Humor For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Another Week Begins

So my fellow humans, how is life? I'm tired. My wife, if reading this, is shaking her head thinking "Oh YOU'RE tired?!?!" But she's 36 weeks pregnant, so she can think like that. So can Lynne, cuz she's on a trip with just her 7 month-old son. So can James, cuz he's working like 180 hours a week (do the math). Ok, I'm tired - other people are too, I'm not saying I'm....tireder than you, I'm just tired. So what's up this week? We're hoping that Katelyn comes out soon. Like Melissa's blog (ordinaryexultations.blogspot.com) says, she's full term now, so any day is great! Why is it that Houston weather is so weird? It was 50 degrees when I walked outside this morning, and the high today is 82!! How do you dress for that? Ok yeah I know, LAYERS, but I don't like having to transport them back home. It's one thing if you have a car, but on a bike, a whole layer of clothing takes up a lot of storage space!

We watched the Oscars last night, I don't know why I watch them every year. You watch the Oscars to see what the ladies wear, and who wins what prize, right? Almost every woman there is wearing a weird dress. The ones that aren't, a.k.a. jennifer garner, miley cirus, look great, but they're million-dollar celebrities, so of course they look good. Sheesh. I hate watching award shows like that, because my picks never win! OK, almost never win. POTC won a couple times, and Sweeney Todd won one last night, but they usually never win, because they aren't the politically correct choice. The shows are rigged. Gotta be. Some world domination thing. Oh well, what are ya gonna do? So I'm gonna go, have to work now. Later,

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Larry the Cable Guy...soooooo bad

Friday Again

Funny, no matter what I do, we always end up having a Friday every week. It always seems to follow Thursday and precede Saturday. It's usually a day of wrapping things up, usually a little bit of overwhelming stress from the rest of the week, and sometimes a glimmer of hope. Hope that the weekend will justify the week we just went through. It's supposed to rain this weekend, but I think it will be a good one just the same. We are expecting rain, but it's February in Houston, TX, so what else is new? The temperature is still decent - 60's and 70's so we're not freezing or burning up.

If you have a minute today, check out this blog. It's one Melissa frequents, and today's post is amazing. WARNING: if you are prone to crying at sad stories, grab a couple tissues before reading. It's a really good way to put things in perspective. In fact, go read it now, and then finish reading this post. Do it! I'm not kidding, go read it now.

This story brings to mind something I've been thinking about for a couple years really, and it's the topic of Joy. That word always makes me think of this verse: "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4) That is so difficult to do! I have so many thoughts on this that I don't even know where to start, so I'll try to organize this as well as possible. Let me give you a definition of joy: the emotion of great happiness. Let me take it a step further. True joy is something that comes from having the Spirit of God inside you. Remember the Fruits of the Spirit? Love, JOY, Peace... It must be an important one, too, cuz it's the second one listed. Joy is different from happiness, I think, because happiness tends to depend on our circumstances. You wouldn't necessarily be happy if you got stuck in jail, but the apostle Paul always managed to be joyful when he was stuck in prison. Check out this verse from 1 Peter: "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy." (1 Peter 4:12-13) Amazing! Be happy in times of trials! To take it another step forward, if we are called to be joyful in times of trial, how much more should we be filled with that same joy when things are good? Pray that God would fill you with His joy, and watch what happens. "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." (Matthew 21:22)

In other news, we are only 35.5 days away from Melissa's due date!! 5 weeks left! Crazy. Technically, I've been told that once we reach the 4 week mark, it could happen at any time. Apparently 36 weeks is a full term. For any of y'all hoping she'll come early (ahem, MOM, BETHANY), you may get your wish. We still have a couple things to do, but I'm confident we'll be able to finish them. By the way, I am still trying to sell our Explorer, so if you know anyone that wants/needs a car, tell 'em to give me a call or shoot me an email. I've got bunches of pictures, and we're selling it cheap, we just need it GONE. (sigh) It's been a long week, but like I said, I think this weekend will be a good one. There's a gun show in town that I might go to - those never seem to get old. Melissa and Lynne are going to see some documentary in Louisiana this weekend, so I hope they have fun. That's all for now. Later.

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Stupid.

Stupid, stupid.

I had jury duty today. Jury duty is stupid. I had to get up at 5:30 this morning just so I could get downtown by 7:15. I then proceeded to sit in a chair at 1019 congress until 11 am. I met no new people, because who knows what kind of serial killer could be sitting next to you. On the bright side, I was able to read four chapters of a pretty good Star Wars book. You know, when they need people, thats when they should randomly select people and bring them in. Why do they have to call 500 people in if they're only going to use 200 of them? Plus, they didn't even randomly select us, they just starting picking entire groups of numbers, and they went IN ORDER!! Where's the randomness? Why couldn't they have just picked those numbers right off the bat, and called those people in? You know what else I figured out? They have multiple shifts of jurors coming in. I was in the 8am group, and then they had a 12pm group, and then they probably had a 4pm group. That's like 1500 people out of which only 600 are used. WHAT THE HECK???? Plus, you know what, not even all of those 600 were used. They would call like 24 people to go over to one court, then they weed through them and use only 6!! Soooooo stupid. I don't like that. Aaaaand, they only pay you 6 freaking bucks for your service. I made $1.25/hr sitting there reading my book. They should at least pay you minimum wage. Government. Ha. Timewasters is more like it. Stupid stupid stupid.

What a day - this week is taking forEVER. When will the insanity end??? Some weeks (thankfully not very many) are just like this - everything bad seems to come together and hit me all at once. Yes, I am rich and far more fortunate than many people all over the world, so I have tons of stuff to be grateful for.

To be honest, I had one other external reason for posting today. Lynne threatened to hurt Melissa and me if we didn't post soon, so here I be posting. Have a great day. Later,

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Monday

Yeah, so my last post sounded way depressing and ticked off. Don't know why cuz I felt fine. Probably just because I was tired and ready for bed. I can't tell you how many typos I had to fix before i could post that.

So yesterday was fun, we went to Brandon Hamburg and Liz Knoll (now Hamburg)'s wedding. It was very short and sweet, and then the reception was awesome. I will say this though - I don't appreciate that open bar as much now as I did then. No, I didn't get drunk, but I did fall asleep by 9:15 at home last night. Pretty nice evening though - I even danced with Melissa for a dance. I had to call it quits when they started doing more than just slow dancing. I don't know how to do anything else, and have never brought myself to learn. Oh well.

So back at work today. How was your weekend? I hope you found something fun to do. I think next weekend we're going to just be spontaneous and pick an activity. I know it kind of defeats the purpose of saying "spontaneous" if you're planning it, so we'll just not plan anything till we wake up. Fun fun fun.

I don't know that I really have that much to say today - I just wanted to counter balance the negativity I sensed in the last post. I hope you have a great day, whoever you are. Later,

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Weekend's here, having fun yet?

Alright, so I have an idea, but it's going to take a lot of people to get this done.  I want to petition for a change.  A change in the calendar.  We need to add an extra day or two to the week so that we can actually have free time on the weekend!!  I know I know, someone once told me that I'd never have free time 'till after I graduated from college, and yes, I know that God knew what He was doing when He made the earth and rested on the 7th day, but I think He'd understand.  Every time a weekend gets here I naively thing "hey, nothing to do this weekend, yay!"  ........    Yeah, so we ALWAYS have something to do over the weekend.  We just do - it's our destiny.  This weekend, Melissa had baby shower 1 of 3, Ryan and I went to the range, had two meals with my dad, and then James and Lynne came over and we hung out 'till a little after midnight.  Did you happen to see the part where Melissa and I just hung out at home with nothing to do?  Oh, what you missed that part?  No, because it wasn't there.  No I'm not being bitter, and no I'm not having a pity party, I just think this is one good reason we need extra days in our weekends.  The five work days-

Fine, you know what, don't listen.  I know I was just boring you with that topic, and heaven forbid I ever write anything boring or slightly off the beaten path.  I'll just give up on the creative side of my brain and quit thinking outside the box.  Sheesh.

So, I said we went to the range today - tried out the new shotgun I bought on Tuesday.  It's so sweet.  Here's a link to the manufacturer's website.  It's the last one on the page.  It's really pretty nice even though it was really cheap.  The barrel is only 1/2 " longer than the federal limit, so that's a nice perk.

I think I was going to make this post a fairly nice size, but it's 2:03 am, and we have to be at church in 7:45 minutes, at least 1.5 hr's of which I will not be asleep for, so I'm calling it quits for tonight.  Later,

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Fun at Four

So, (ominous music playing) ever been woken up at four A.M. to someone jiggling your door handle?  Yeah, it's not as fun as it sounds.  Then again, if you think that sounds fun, there is something majorly wrong with you.  Seek help.  No seriously, go find help.  Pay good money.  Anywho, back on topic, someone did that this morning.  It was weird too, because I was having a kind of cool dream about someone breaking in and me beating the crud out of them.  I will be totally honest here, when I heard the door handle moving, my bravery disappeared like cheap beer at a bachelor party.  You may think, "don't worry, I would have been scared too," but I'm supposed to be the brave one who protects my family.  My first thought was, "don't worry, you're still dreaming."  When it happened again a few seconds later, my second thought was, "crap, I gotta go out there and check it out."  So, with gun and giant Mag Light, I cleared my apartment.  Thankfully no one was there.  I would hate to hurt someone, and hollow points are expensive and I don't feel like buying more right now.  Yes, that was me sounding tough to offset my aforementioned loss of bravery in the face of possible danger.  I got to thinking today, what would have happened if there was someone in the apartment or trying to get into the apartment?  The (hopefully) obvious answer is first call 911.  But what if they make it inside before the cops get here?  Time for Dane the Fearless to respond.  That's a sucky feeling.  Yeah, I'm positive I could easily put a 140 grain Cor-Bon DPX hollow point directly between their eyes, but I have no desire to.  Why would you ever purposely kill someone?  So all that to say, it's a tough spot to be in if someone is trying to gain entry into your home.  So that was freaky, and the end to our peaceful sleep.  Rest of the day went fine except for the rain on the way home.  Veeeeery wet.  Tomorrow I'm going to look at shotguns and big locking bolts (bolts for the door and shotgun for me).  Shotguns are nice for home defense because even if someone makes it into your home, you can just pump a round into your shotgun, and they'll leave.  A) because they don't know how big of a gauge you have, and B) they don't know what kind of mean crap you have in there.  Some people sell some pretty mean loads for 12 gauge shotguns.

What's going on with you this week?  Any movies you seen lately?  Let me know.

Sad but semi-true proof you're getting old.  It's 9:40 at night, and I'm going to bed.  I bid you good evening.  Later,

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Friday!!

Hey people, really busy today, but I HAD to post this. Can you imagine if this happened here?? My gosh the news media and ACLU and FBI and CIA and every other acronymic government entity would be swarming all over the place. We'd blame it on some Middle-Eastern country, invade some innocent country like Luxembourg or something and all hell would break loose. Sheesh. See for yourself:

MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russia's military Thursday offered compensation to a homeowner after a small rocket veered off course and hit his country house outside Moscow.
Russian Internet chatrooms were buzzing late Wednesday after local news agencies reported that "an unidentified flying object dropped two bombs near Moscow."
A defense ministry official told Reuters two rockets had gone astray during a military exercise near Moscow Wednesday afternoon. One hit the roof of an unoccupied house 3.5 km (2.2 miles) away.
"The damage is estimated at 60,000 rubles ($2,466). It will be compensated for in two days," said Yevgeny Konashenkov, spokesman for Russian land troops. "The owner of the house treats the incident with understanding. He has no legal claims."
Luckily for the nearby compound of cottage houses, the rockets disconnected at launch from the load of explosives they normally carry to clear minefields.

Slight Overkill on the Gun Control

So, I just thought this was funny. The law states that any firearm not in use must be kept locked, unloaded, and/or separate from the ammo. If a minor has access to both unlocked gun and ammo, many legal issues can follow (it's a felony). So, since I'm only carrying one gun right now, my other one is at home locked up. I just had to post pictures because I only have one gun lock, and the gun is really tiny.

Yes that's the whole thing. We're talking deck of cards, here. In fact, I think the trigger lock weighs the same amount as the gun does.

Here's a good way to tell how small that gun is. The bullet on the right is a .40 JHP made by Cor-Bon. That's what I typically keep in my Glock. The bullet on the left is a .25 JHP made by Speer, and yes, that's what goes in that little gun. Yes, that is a guitar pick (roughly the size of a quarter) to demonstrate just how small those little bullets are. Tiiiiiny.

Read a good quote today. "If you have to call 911, it's probably already too late." That pretty much sums up the reason most people carry concealed weapons. Makes sense, say someone is trying to mug you. You can't say, "hang on for a sec while I call the cops," but you can pull out your legally concealed firearm and scare them off, or if need be, defend yourself in a very incapacitating manner.

So what's up? We have another ultrasound scheduled today. I tell ya, if the doctor's office wasn't paying for these, I'd be broke. Oh well.

Anywho, only an hour and a half left in this workday, so I'll ttyl. Maybe I'll post some ultrasound pics up here later.

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